Spectrum - Florence and the Machine

ASSIGNMENT:
Write down what you think are your bad habits, what people have ever said about you, something wrong in you, something that they don't like, didn't like, something that went wrong but you don't know because of whom and deep inside you know it was because of you only, stuff about you that always brings bad results or undesirable results, stuff that you think is wrong in others BUT when you think about it, its in you also maybe (surely), etc etc:::

1. Ego --

2. Over confidence --

3. Self-admiration -- [I work hard to get what I want]

4. Attitude -- 

5. Hot temper -- [Got mad at M because he wasn't on my side, Got mad at mom because she hangs me out to dry]

6. Arrogance -- [I refuse to listen to others even though I ask for their opinion]

7. Insolence -- 

8. Superiority -- [I believe I've got the best of everything, and I believe that I could have done better for myself]

9. Selfishness -- [I don't like to share my friends, and I don't like to share my toys]

10. Pride --

11. Disrespect -- [By FAK and AAN]

12. Insecurity -- [I want to be loved for who I am]

13. Fear -- [Allah SWT is angry with me for being the terrible person I am, for all the things I've done]

14. Paranoia --

15. Emptiness --

16. Narcissistic --

17. Histrionic --

18. Low self-esteem -- [I don't deserve anything good]

19. Not trustworthy -- [By R]

20. Low Imaan --

21. Ignorance --

22. Superficial -- [Judging people by the covers]

23. Heartless -- [I don't care about people who aren't close to me]

24. Big mouth --

25. Know-it-all -- [By R: I want to know about the people closest to me]

26. Immature -- [NO, NO, NO for everything]

27. Jealousy --

28. Forgives without forgetting -- [EV, AK, MATAH, MAA]

29. Procrastination --

30. Dependence -- [I need someone to talk to, I need a second opinion, mine is never good enough]

31. Unwilling to change -- [I want to be more mature, but I'm not; I want to make right choice, but I don't]

32. Impatient -- [I can't wait for my visa, I can't wait for my internship, I can't wait for my residency, I can't wait to not find "Prince Charming"]

33. Controlling -- [I want everything done at that specific time, that specific way]

34. Can't let go of people -- [All we do is fight, but I can't let go, this is not normal]

35. Lying -- [To R when he asked me whether I knew he was going to Europe, and on what I told my parents when we were going to Musandam]

36. Righteousness -- 

37. Ungrateful --

38. Sarcastic --

39. Distrustful --

Sweet Nothing - Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

It's easy to be annoyed with you and angry, placing that as the shield so that I don't have to feel all those happy emotions when I'm around you. It gives me an excellent excuse to not see you or talk to you, though I want to. I want to, oh so badly! I want to. I want you.

I want to tell you everything and all my fears and secrets. I want you to comfort me, hold me and tell me everything will be alright. You are always the first one I want to call whenever I feel like the world is failing on me. But these are fantasies of a lil girl living in a fairy tale that will never come true. Such a twisted ending.

It's easy for me to turn around and walk away with the hope that you'll stop me, but that will never happen. And I just set myself up for a broken heart every time. The same piece keeps falling out even with the super glue and adhesives I could manage. Might as well just leave it on the floor and walk all over it myself.

You push out the best-worst in me. You make me care. You inspire me. But I'm really only hurting myself. I think there is something wrong with me.
You make me feel so so broken.
I'm still irreparably yours,

Love-hate always,
K

Beauty and the Beat - Justin Bieber

I've had an interesting few days. It's made me happy. Reminded me why I love this month so much. It's so much fun to see young people, and it's so weird to watch them from the eyes of someone who has gone through that phase in life. So full of life.

Anyways 2 big exams coming up. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or study! I should probably study. They are so going to end up kicking my ass, so I guess I can save the crying for later. I'm kinda excited to start residency. A whole other level of learning.

15 more days to the end of the year. 5 more days to the end of the world. Well good thing is I'm going to die before hitting 25!!! Accomplishment.. Why did the Mayans have to mess with us like this?!

Oh well.. counting down the days to lots of things.
1) World to end
2) R's birthday
3) Christmas
4) Mom's birthday
5) NYE
6) NY
7) EMCEE
8) Graduation exam
9) GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... Yes, I can do this!!!

Lots of love, always,
K

We Are Broken - Paramore

December is my greatest love and biggest downfall. There is so much to look forward to yet I always feel like I'm under a cloud of darkness, floating away from this world.


What really infuriates me is when I don't care, you tell me to; and once I start doing something, you tell me it's useless. Well guess what? I'm tired of playing your games. I give up. Do as you please, and I will do what ever you ask, in silence. I will never get myself hurt, I won't be fighting for things I can't control.

You and I both have different ideas about life. I know what I want, and you think you do. So go ahead and make all my life choices for me. Put down your rules, watch me wake up everyday and smile at you while I secretly stab my heart and step further and further away from you.

I will live my secret life away from your eyes and your judgment - your comments that sting. You don't need to be in there. That's mine. Go take control of everything else that you can, but you can't take my hard work away from me. It's my cave and you have no permission to enter.

We are broken.

Love, as always,
K

Twilight - Cover Drive

It's that time of year. My favorite time of year. And though I have rediscovered this blog after ages, because I was silly and thought I forgot my password, when I possibly couldn't have.
I think this end of year is going to be special. Let me tell you why. Because I'm celebrating it by myself. No friends, no boyfriend, no sibling, just parents -- well because I have to and they are there. I'm kinda looking forward to it.
Everyone let's you down at some point. They shock you at the things that they can say sometimes. Like they don't know you at all. Like it's all just been a waste. Your friends, your parents, your everybody, your somebody. It's a crying shame.
You open up yourself to them, you build memories and relationships, you think it's all perfect - and then it comes - the mind blowing shock of your life you never in a thousand years saw coming.
So this year is mine. I will end it alone, and I will start it alone. All I need is me. I can trust me. I can believe in me. I can love me. I can live my life with my rules at the pace that I want. I don't need to be a burden on anyone that doesn't want me and whose life will not change if I'm not in it.
Here is to me! And the amazing life that being alone and independent brings. I look forward to it sincerely.

Lots of Love anyways,
K

Satellite - Dave Matthews Band

It's crazy how my brother and I are so different, yet so alike. And what's crazier is that I didn't even know it. We are strangers, but we aren't. We have grown up together, and grown up apart. We are smart in different ways, in different things, but we are the shockingly similar too.

The way we think, the way we are, the things we love, and all others. It's odd that our friends don't get along. It's odd that people don't see it. It's odd that even we don't see it.

I miss him. But we've grown so distant that our relationship will never go back to the way it once was 8 years ago, to the time where we decided to defend ourselves and leave the other out of trouble. When we changed from knowing everything, to knowing nothing about each others lives. When our friends and parents know more about what's happening in our lives because we talk to them more than the other. However, don't underestimate. When times are hard, we are close, and nothing will ever break that bond. We will fight for our family. Always.

It's insane the way people ask me how he's doing, and I personally don't know, because I don't remember the last time I even spoke to him. But we've accustomed to this, and built our lives around this. Independent. Confident. Running after our own dreams. Encouraging each other. Having the others back, in silence or out loud.

I still miss him though. Life was fun those long nights we would be up talking. But the past is the past. And the future holds many beautiful things.

Miss you much, Shan.

With love, always,

K

Again - Flyleaf

And once again, it's that time of here to fret and fear, because exams are near! and I'm not prepared! I don't even know why I'm blogging.

M's home for a few days, so good for R. I want to go home, but I don't. I want to get away, and I really can't wait till that day comes, even if it's just temporarily.

HSS is working. Maybe because they haven't blocked the new version yet. Yeh! So, I can check FB and blog to my heart's content. It's kinda slow though.

I'm annoyed with people, seriously. I want to be married to my work, and be a hermit. I'm tired of people telling me stories. I wish I was ugly then I could just entertain myself, and laugh at my own jokes. Like I do now. Sense of humour. I don't know where mine's gone. Hmm..

I'm liking Sherlock Holmes, and I loved The Time Traveler's Wife. Maybe I am a love freak, but WTH, let me have my opinion on what I watch. The Rebound was fun. Good to see Cate Jones back in the business. Couples Retreat is on the download. We'll see how that goes.

Pray for my good exam fortune and may Aywah hear you.

With love, always,

K